My big mistake.

                                              


I've always been self conscious about looks. Most people are. It's normal. After going through an ugly duckling stage when I was in my teens, the moment I was allowed to dye my hair and wear makeup, I went all out. Within my journey of "trying to be beautiful"..I made a BIG mistake.

I decided I was too pale.  Heck, people were telling me I was too pale. I remember going places and having people ask me where I'm from. "Florida", I'd always say. It would usually be followed up with a remark about being afraid of the sun, or never going outside. I was outside alll the time. I just wore 
lots of sunblock. My family is Scandinavian and they all had blonde hair and blue eyes. Which is usually a recipe for sunburns and skin cancer. In fact, my father died of Melanoma when I was 14. It's not hereditary...just common in light skinned people.


(That's me in 9th grade out to the left and me and 10th grade down there..I changed alot)

When I turned 14, knowing all that I knew about what my father went through and how he died, I started laying out in the sun every chance I got. I blistered and burned, freckled and peeled. But I was getting color. The sun made me feel great, it cleared up any acne I had., and I was finally able to go outside with shorts on and not be stared down. I was always looking for the next new lotion or trend to make me more tan. I even laid out with oil on my skin. So stupid. I was never meant to be tan. Some people just aren't. Harsh words from others can make you do stupid things.

I moved to Tennessee in 2006. Not a whole lot of sun here, so I started tanning beds. I would go almost every day. I would get compliments on how tan I was. It made me feel good. I remember we went back down to Florida to visit friends that lived near the beach, and I made them look pale.

When I found out I was pregnant in 2011, I stopped tanning for the safety of the baby and myself. I had begun to get weird freckles. I started seeing a dermatologist. She heavily scolded me for all of those years of tanning. As my tan faded and my skin started to return to its normal paleness, the comments started again. I'd hear gothic comments, are you sick?, are you tired?...all of this because I was pale. But I knew better.. I could see from the freckles on my chest and back that I had done lots of damage.

In April of 2013, I noticed a spot on my nose. Nothing big. Just a small raised spot. I went to my dermatologist  and was told it was a blemish. It would go away. Well, weeks passed and it didn't go away. I went back and got the same thing. It was STILL a pimple, they said. Well, I wasn't buying it. I found a new dermatologist and he immediately said it didn't look good. So he took a sample of it and sent it off. I got the call a week later. The spot was positive skin cancer. Basal-Cell Carcinoma to be exact.

I would need to have MOHS Surgery to remove it. In short, MOHS surgery is basically where they cut the spot out and test it on site. They check it for layers of cancer growth and then they come back and cut more and more and test more and more until the slices of skin come back cancer free. It hurt pretty badly and took a while to heal. I have to go back for mandatory checks every 6 months now. I am hoping nothing else comes up.

I have learned my lesson and embrace my paleness now. It could happen to anyone. Just wish I hadn't have let it get to me all those years before. I still hear harsh comments, I still get my feelings hurt. But those people can all kiss my pale bum. Sorry..not sorry. So wear your sunblock and try and avoid harsh rays. Vitamin D can still get to you with sunblock on. Tanning is not worth your life.